New-Look MacLochlainn Returns from Political Wilderness!

Ex-Irish presidential candidate Conchubhair MacLochlainn has emerged from the political wilderness with typical aplomb. The world media swarmed around the home of the Monaghan Maverick on Sunday evening, as he staged a ‘bed-in’ protest in his log cabin in Rossmore Park.

John and Yoko…or MacLochlainn on Sunday evening?

Sitting in the lotus position, and surrounded by an assortment of female assistants, MacLochlainn proceeded to explain to onlookers about his whereabouts over the past months. Now referred to by his followers as Suri Bigladz MacScobie, he looked suitably trim and meditative, as he greeted journalists and welcomed questions about his ‘lost weekend’ since his Irish presidential campaign. As female aides served herbal teas and offered sensual foot massages, MacLochlainn informed reporters about his sojourn as a Buddhist monk, and his period of training martial arts in Qufu, China. He repeatedly fondled the luminous beads in his hair and stroked his beard as he waxed lyrical about all other issues, from the Euro dept crisis and the cost of round bales to Rory McIlroy and the musical hegemony of One Direction.

Roseanne is a big MacLochlainn fan

While MacLochlainn was open to answering questions, he refused to be drawn on speculation that Roseanne Barr had approached him to be her running mate in the US Presidential Election. The ex-sitcom queen is currently running for president on the Peace and Freedom ticket, and is believed to have heard of MacLochlainn’s formidable political persona and unorthodox approach to politics. However, a grueling campaign is not compatible with MacLochlainn’s strict routine of morning/afternoon meditation and yoga, and Barr recently settled on an alternative running mate.

Afterwards, MacLochlainn sang his thought-provoking hit, ‘Give War a Chance’, followed by a cover version of Jinx Lennon’s ‘Houses Everywhere’ on his new Indian sitar. As ever, his trusty musical compadre, David Hasselhoff, was on hand to supply backing vocals. Afterwards, MacLochlainn thanked journalists for visiting, and gifted all present to complimentary copies of his new publication, the ‘Karma Sutra, Irish Schtyle’.

Fears Grow That Andy Murray Could Win

He won…

Results from this year’s Wimbledon Finals have given rise to fears that Andy Murray may be on the brink of success. Tuesday’s win over Marin Cilic now means that Murray is in a quarter-final, and within touching distance of maybe winning his first ever major. Hopeful onlookers point to Murray’s perennial failures at Wimbledon as a positive track record that will likely remain unbroken. However, with the exit of Rafael Nadal last week, and Roger Federer nursing a back injury, observers are beginning to lose hope of a what is commonly known as the annual ‘Andy exit’.

Grumpy Andy

Happier times, with Roger Federer

Sports fans just cannot warm to Murray’s grumpy-pants demeanour and churlish petulance currently on show at Wimbledon. However, ‘Grumpy Andy’, as he’s known on the circuit, has been threatening to trigger a bout of cringeworthy celebrations not seen since the glory days of ‘Tiger Tim’ Henman.

Naturally, today’s victory for Murray has already stoked fear of reprisal, riots and looting in Scottish enclaves close to Wimbledon and throughout England. Shop owners dealing in haggis, tartan sweaters, Paolo Nutini CDs and other Scottish treasures have been put on high alert.

The dreaded Mammy Murray…

It is understood that Martin McGuinness and Queen Elizabeth, while disagreeing on a few fundamentals when they met last week in Belfast, both agreed that success for the snotty-nosed Scot would be unbearable for all but a small number of followers.

And then there’s the prospect of his creepy mum Judy, teeth clenched and fists pumping. A gaze permanently set to ‘ambition’ certainly doesn’t help her cause. She will no doubt share her earth-shattering shrieks with everyone should he make it to the final, and she will have a colossal conniption should he win.

Will Djokovic be our saviour?

Tragically, Andy Murray threatens to be the first Brit to win Wimbledon since 1936. Memories of Tim Henman reaching the semi-finals at Wimbledon in 2001, before mercifully losing to Goran Ivanišević, still live on. Tensions are rising across the entire sporting world. Fortunately, Novak Djokovic remains favourite to retain his title…

Leo Varadkar Surfs Populist Waves

Leo Varadkar, preparing for last year's 2011 Tour de France

Surfs up!

Fitness fanatic  Leo Varadkar TD is believed to have recently taken up surfing along the Donegal coast. The Minister for Sport, known for his healthy self-esteem, is said to have already mastered the basics after just one 30-minute introductory session with a local fisherman in Bundoran. As you would expect, The Blarney Times has appropriated some rough footage of Varadkar ‘dipping his toes’ into the world of surfing. Varadkar (under the pseudonym ‘Mike Hawkins’ in this video) is seen looking suitably tanned and in control…

This latest achievement is nothing short of remarkable for Varadkar, who recently emulated the late Kim Jong-il’s incredible 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course. However, Leo was playing up against a gale force wind, so he can expect to go one better next week. Nice work, deputy!

Talk of Second Bailout Tranche For Seán Quinn ‘Not Helpful’.

A Penniless Seán Quinn (Right, In Designer Lambswool Coat) Addresses Reporters Outside A Belfast Court, Yesterday. Missing from picture: His Assembled Legal And PR Teams, All Working For Free.

Sources close to the Irish Government last night slammed as ‘not helpful’ speculation that the timing of a Troika visit to Dublin coincided rather neatly with Seán Quinn’s bankruptcy reversal in the Belfast High Court, and could point to another ECB/EU/IMF bailout for the beleaguered businessman and child’s toy aficionado.

Penniless Quinn (64) was remaining tight-lipped outside the Belfast court yesterday apart from trotting out whatever spin his assembled army of PR doctors and senior counsels (presumably all working pro bono) told him to say to assembled journalists. When pushed about whether he  would be entering into further negotiations with the Troika so that the rest of us could continue to pay for his bad judgement and inveterate gambling, Quinn hurriedly consulted with his team, muttered something about having ‘no comment’ and wandered off to force his wife to sign some paperwork. In an office in Derrylin. Not in the South. He just votes there. Not works.

Meanwhile, the Dáil was in uproar about the entire fiasco, and rather unbelievingly, Fianna Fáil deputies still had the gall to attack the Government over their policies with regards to the Troika. A quick reminder that the Mahon Tribunal would be publishing its final findings in the near future seemed to shut them up however.

Polar Bears Under Threat – Boney M members blamed…

A Christmas scandal has erupted over the re-release of Boney M’s 1978 hit, Marys Boy Child. Animal Rights Campaigners are demanding an immediate boycott of all Boney M material – this video clearly shows 4 fur coats – alleged by Friends of the Earth, to be the skins of 4 polar bears. The video also includes some outrageously funky dancing by the male member of the band which is equally reprehensible. Merry Christmas readers…

Christopher Hitchens Refused Entry Into Heaven

Famed atheist Christopher Hitchens

Christians of America have welcomed God’s decision not to allow renowned atheist Christopher Hitchens entry into Heaven. Sources ‘close to the action’ reported this week that Hitchens, who died last Thursday, rose from the dead after the customary three days, but was stopped at customs and refused admission. A spokesman claimed that Hitchens will not even be receiving temporary access to purgatory, but instead was handed a one-way ticket ‘down under’. Unconfirmed reports say that Hitchens was not carrying the relevant INRI visa.

Meanwhile, Atheist Alliance International are claiming that Hitchens did not rise from the dead at all. The organisation claims that a lack of sightings of the deceased author is clear evidence Hitchens has not passed on to an after-life, and is instead still dead, and will remain so for all eternity.

With confusion still raging, for now followers must content themselves with the work left behind, including this interview with Hitchens following the death of leading Christian demagogue, Jerry Falwell, in 2007.

Twitter Rumours of the Death of Daniel O’Donnell Greatly Exaggerated.

Daniel O'Donnell, Alive And Oozing Sexual Charisma, Yesterday.

A spokesperson for Daniel O’Donnell, the erstwhile Donegal chart-topper and self-professed heterosexual, has reacted angrily to his client becoming the latest rock and roll star to have fallen victim to a campaign proclaiming his death on social networking site twitter. The rumours first began circulating yesterday, when @Biddy62 seemed to proclaim: ‘OMG Our Wee Danny Gone Up To The Cruise Ship Concert In The Sky’ at around 6 am. There swiftly followed a barrage of the usual hystrionic outpourings of idiots, largely along the lines of ‘OMG I can’t believe he’s gone SAD FACE #RIP #OurWeeDanny’, ‘He made me a cup of tea once, so obviously I feel this blow more keenly than the death of one of my own children’ and ‘Is this thing google or a text message or what is it? Hello?’

Never ones to rest on our laurels, we here at The Blarney Times immediately undertook an extensive search of both Malaga and the INEC Killarney, to no avail, but once contacted, O’Donnell’s manager was able to confirm the hoax, acknowledging that O’Donnell was merely following in the same footsteps of many of his contemporaries like John Bon Jovi, Zach Braff, Britney Spears, Foster but not Allen, both the Chuckle Brothers, and Michael Jackson (Twice), in falling victim to a campaign alleging their demise.

Whilst putting paid to the rumours, and thereby saving large tracts of rural Ireland from being washed away under a swell of pensioners’ tears, the representative (who spoke on condition of anonymity), also addressed allegations about the timing of the event, with Daniel about to embark on another unendurable Christmas tour, complete with new album in tow, by slamming the phone down and refusing to answer further calls.

A written statement later released however did state that ‘Contrary to rumours on the googletube thing today, it is with great pleasure that we announce that Daniel O’Donnell is not in fact dead, and looking forward very much to both the new tour and album release (25.99 from all shit record shops), but also looking forward to appearing either on TG4 or RTÉ every Sunday and Christmas for the rest of time in perpetuity. And probably on Dave after that if they ever get sick of either QI or Top Gear. Sponsored by Lyon’s Tea. ‘

Whoever Came Up With This Is Not Paid Enough.