Ex-Irish presidential candidate Conchubhair MacLochlainn has emerged from the political wilderness with typical aplomb. The world media swarmed around the home of the Monaghan Maverick on Sunday evening, as he staged a ‘bed-in’ protest in his log cabin in Rossmore Park.
Sitting in the lotus position, and surrounded by an assortment of female assistants, MacLochlainn proceeded to explain to onlookers about his whereabouts over the past months. Now referred to by his followers as Suri Bigladz MacScobie, he looked suitably trim and meditative, as he greeted journalists and welcomed questions about his ‘lost weekend’ since his Irish presidential campaign. As female aides served herbal teas and offered sensual foot massages, MacLochlainn informed reporters about his sojourn as a Buddhist monk, and his period of training martial arts in Qufu, China. He repeatedly fondled the luminous beads in his hair and stroked his beard as he waxed lyrical about all other issues, from the Euro dept crisis and the cost of round bales to Rory McIlroy and the musical hegemony of One Direction.
While MacLochlainn was open to answering questions, he refused to be drawn on speculation that Roseanne Barr had approached him to be her running mate in the US Presidential Election. The ex-sitcom queen is currently running for president on the Peace and Freedom ticket, and is believed to have heard of MacLochlainn’s formidable political persona and unorthodox approach to politics. However, a grueling campaign is not compatible with MacLochlainn’s strict routine of morning/afternoon meditation and yoga, and Barr recently settled on an alternative running mate.
Afterwards, MacLochlainn sang his thought-provoking hit, ‘Give War a Chance’, followed by a cover version of Jinx Lennon’s ‘Houses Everywhere’ on his new Indian sitar. As ever, his trusty musical compadre, David Hasselhoff, was on hand to supply backing vocals. Afterwards, MacLochlainn thanked journalists for visiting, and gifted all present to complimentary copies of his new publication, the ‘Karma Sutra, Irish Schtyle’.
Results from this year’s Wimbledon Finals have given rise to fears that Andy Murray may be on the brink of success. Tuesday’s win over Marin Cilic now means that Murray is in a quarter-final, and within touching distance of maybe winning his first ever major. Hopeful onlookers point to Murray’s perennial failures at Wimbledon as a positive track record that will likely remain unbroken. However, with the exit of Rafael Nadal last week, and Roger Federer nursing a back injury, observers are beginning to lose hope of a what is commonly known as the annual ‘Andy exit’.
Sports fans just cannot warm to Murray’s grumpy-pants demeanour and churlish petulance currently on show at Wimbledon. However, ‘Grumpy Andy’, as he’s known on the circuit, has been threatening to trigger a bout of cringeworthy celebrations not seen since the glory days of ‘Tiger Tim’ Henman.
Naturally, today’s victory for Murray has already stoked fear of reprisal, riots and looting in Scottish enclaves close to Wimbledon and throughout England. Shop owners dealing in haggis, tartan sweaters, Paolo Nutini CDs and other Scottish treasures have been put on high alert.
It is understood that Martin McGuinness and Queen Elizabeth, while disagreeing on a few fundamentals when they met last week in Belfast, both agreed that success for the snotty-nosed Scot would be unbearable for all but a small number of followers.
And then there’s the prospect of his creepy mum Judy, teeth clenched and fists pumping. A gaze permanently set to ‘ambition’ certainly doesn’t help her cause. She will no doubt share her earth-shattering shrieks with everyone should he make it to the final, and she will have a colossal conniption should he win.
Tragically, Andy Murray threatens to be the first Brit to win Wimbledon since 1936. Memories of Tim Henman reaching the semi-finals at Wimbledon in 2001, before mercifully losing to Goran Ivanišević, still live on. Tensions are rising across the entire sporting world. Fortunately, Novak Djokovic remains favourite to retain his title…
Fitness fanatic Leo Varadkar TD is believed to have recently taken up surfing along the Donegal coast. The Minister for Sport, known for his healthy self-esteem, is said to have already mastered the basics after just one 30-minute introductory session with a local fisherman in Bundoran. As you would expect, The Blarney Times has appropriated some rough footage of Varadkar ‘dipping his toes’ into the world of surfing. Varadkar (under the pseudonym ‘Mike Hawkins’ in this video) is seen looking suitably tanned and in control…
This latest achievement is nothing short of remarkable for Varadkar, who recently emulated the late Kim Jong-il’s incredible 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course. However, Leo was playing up against a gale force wind, so he can expect to go one better next week. Nice work, deputy!
Sources close to the Irish Government last night slammed as ‘not helpful’ speculation that the timing of a Troika visit to Dublin coincided rather neatly with Seán Quinn’s bankruptcy reversal in the Belfast High Court, and could point to another ECB/EU/IMF bailout for the beleaguered businessman and child’s toy aficionado.
Penniless Quinn (64) was remaining tight-lipped outside the Belfast court yesterday apart from trotting out whatever spin his assembled army of PR doctors and senior counsels (presumably all working pro bono) told him to say to assembled journalists. When pushed about whether he would be entering into further negotiations with the Troika so that the rest of us could continue to pay for his bad judgement and inveterate gambling, Quinn hurriedly consulted with his team, muttered something about having ‘no comment’ and wandered off to force his wife to sign some paperwork. In an office in Derrylin. Not in the South. He just votes there. Not works.
Meanwhile, the Dáil was in uproar about the entire fiasco, and rather unbelievingly, Fianna Fáil deputies still had the gall to attack the Government over their policies with regards to the Troika. A quick reminder that the Mahon Tribunal would be publishing its final findings in the near future seemed to shut them up however.
A Christmas scandal has erupted over the re-release of Boney M’s 1978 hit, Marys Boy Child. Animal Rights Campaigners are demanding an immediate boycott of all Boney M material – this video clearly shows 4 fur coats – alleged by Friends of the Earth, to be the skins of 4 polar bears. The video also includes some outrageously funky dancing by the male member of the band which is equally reprehensible. Merry Christmas readers…
Christians of America have welcomed God’s decision not to allow renowned atheist Christopher Hitchens entry into Heaven. Sources ‘close to the action’ reported this week that Hitchens, who died last Thursday, rose from the dead after the customary three days, but was stopped at customs and refused admission. A spokesman claimed that Hitchens will not even be receiving temporary access to purgatory, but instead was handed a one-way ticket ‘down under’. Unconfirmed reports say that Hitchens was not carrying the relevant INRI visa.
With confusion still raging, for now followers must content themselves with the work left behind, including this interview with Hitchens following the death of leading Christian demagogue, Jerry Falwell, in 2007.
Whoever Came Up With This Is Not Paid Enough.